Do couples get distant post-baby?

Becoming a parent is one of the most joyous and glorious moments in most peoples’ lives. However, it can also become the most testing time for a couples’ relationship. While you would think that having a child and starting a family should bring a couple closer together often the opposite is happening. All couple relationships fluctuate over time and tend to decline during the first 10 years of being together, however, most parents became significantly less satisfied with their relationships than non-parents. Having more children makes matters worse. According to a 2024 Swiss/German large scale research study only 38% of married mothers report high relationship satisfaction, compared to 62% of married women without children.

Most couples are not prepared for the challenges that parenthood brings to their partnership. For the vast majority of couples, the relationship factors that bind the couple such as communication, intimacy and spending time together will take a hit when a baby is born. On top of that couples will experience increased stress through worrying about the child, sleep deprivation, increased household chores, financial concerns and work issues.

It is therefore hard for a couple to avoid more conflict or tension after having a child. The changes are more dramatic for the mothers. They are physically affected by giving birth starting with pregnancy until birth recovery which can easily last six months. For some women their physical appearance changes forever. Looking after your appearance becomes more difficult with a baby or a small child because your clothes get quickly dirty and need to be changed and washed frequently. Then there is the constant lack of sleep that both parents experience. Sex becomes an exception, but it is not only the physical sex that suffers. The couple’s overall intimacy and affection towards each other like cuddles and hugs also decline.

Despite many young fathers’ willingness to be involved in the childcare old gender roles quickly prevail with the mothers ending up doing most of the childcare. Many women lose their identity as they take a step back in their work career and focus on taking care of the child.  They also feel that they are often not sufficiently supported by their partner. At least a quarter of mothers experience some type of postnatal depression, so do ten percent of fathers. While the emotional focus of most mothers shifts towards the baby the partner is often regarded as another person to be taken care of.

Many men feel rejected as the baby gets most of the mother’s affection. Most men become the main household earners which can lead to conflict about who is making the larger contribution to the family. While before the baby both partners had enough time and freedom to pursue their interests and see their friends, free time is now absorbed by dealing with the family. Couples find out that certain behaviours and actions of their partners are annoying them now much more then before the birth of the baby. Pre-baby conflicts and issues that already existed are exacerbated by having a child and become much more of a problem for most couples.

Many parents find it difficult to talk about their struggles after having a child. Some feel guilty because they think they should be happier than they were pre-child. They see all the happy family pictures of their friends and peers on social media and feel ashamed about their own family issues. Parents easily become isolated and don’t talk about their issues to others.

Becoming a parent is an unprecedented change that most couples are not prepared for. The stress and conflicts can quickly become overwhelming and the couples’ relationship strained. Couples become more distant, and their relationship is severely tested. To avoid a breakup or serious mental health issues that can affect the wellbeing of the family couples need to recognise their issues and actively work on their relationship after having a child. This is achievable with a bit of effort and most parents manage to get their relationship back on track. Pareful offers al lot of insights and positive actions parents can take to improve their couple relationship.

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