Managing parental stress

Being a parent is a unique experience that can be incredibly rewarding. However, being a parent can also be extremely stressful as you are facing a complete new range of challenges and demands. Constant lack of sleep, toddler tantrums, school issues, the teen years, increased household chores and financial needs, relationship issues and work demands are taking their toll on parents’ mental health and well-being. According to a long-term American stress research study parents of children under 18 are consistently more likely to report high levels of stress than others. More than one-third of parents rated their stress levels as extremely high compared to 20% of non-parents. Not surprisingly parents report lower happiness and relationship satisfaction levels than non-parents.
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Parental stress is different from other stress as you cannot escape from it. You can change your job or partner but you cannot change your children. So you need to find a way to better manage your parental stress. There are two dimension to this, your mindset and better managing your stress levels.
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Parental stress is mostly the result of feeling not being a good enough parent, not doing enough for  your children or not having enough time for your children. Parents constantly worry about the development, wellbeing and future of their children. Many parents have perfectionist ideas about parenting which tend to lead to enhanced stress levels. There is the old saying that ‘the perfect prevents the good’ and that is also true for parenting. If you trying to achieve perfection in parenting you are most likely to fail. Children are independent personalities with their own minds. Bringing up children is also full of unpredictable events which you cannot always plan for. While you are unlikely be the perfect parent, you can be the best parent you can be which is the most perfect parent you can be. Most parents do the best they can for their children and family but feel it is not enough.
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To change your mindset about your parenting perception you can talk to other parents, your and your partner’s parents to get a better perspective. You will quickly learn that you are not alone with your feelings and that many parents have similar struggles and thoughts. In addition, other parents, may have some advise or tips to better cope with parental stress. By talking to others you acknowledge and accept your feelings which is often the necessary starting point to take action. Also not being alone in this will make you feel a bit better.
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Use self-affirmation meditation to remind yourself that you are a good enough parent and the best parent you can be. It works a bit like taking to your best friend. What advise would you give? Most likely you will tell your best friend what a great parent she is and that she is doing the best she can for her family. When you practice your self-affirmation the best friend is you. There are several self-affirmation techniques you can use. They can be very effective in changing your inner mindset.
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Avoid comparison to other parents in particular on social media. The perceived reality of social media can easily make you believe what other parents post and say about their children and their parenting is true. However, often social media are deliberately manipulated to present an unrealistic vision of family harmony and prefect parenting. That doesn’t mean you should not learn from other parents but obsessing about what other parents claim does not help your situation. You know your children and family better than they do and because of that you will do the best for your family that you can do. While there is always room for improvement you are the best parent you can be.

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Use mindfulness to better manage your stress. Mindfulness has many dimensions including daily meditation, gratefulness, acceptance and focusing on the now. Establish a mindfulness mediation of 10 to m15 minutes as a daily practice. You need to accept that parenting is stressful. In your mindfulness meditation you can address specific daily stressors and deal with them in your mind. While they may not go away, mindfulness practice will enable you to better manage and regulate your stress. Focus on the moment. A lot of stress comes from either dwelling about things you should have done in the past or worrying about the future. Maybe you should have spent more time with your children but that has passed and cannot be changed. Instead focus your full attention on the here and now. When you are with your children and family focus your attention on them. Make the time you have with them quality time and don’t worry about work or other things. Similar, if you are at work focus on the tasks at hand and don’t worry about the time you do not spend with your children. There will never be a perfect work/family balance and there will always be unexpected child issues popping up which will require your immediate attention. However, if you manage to keep your focus on the moment you will feel happier with the effort you put into your family and your work. Scientific research shows that mindfulness reduces your stress perception and makes you feel calmer and more balanced. You will be better at managing and regulating your parental stress.

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Practice self-care by looking after your mental and physical wellbeing. This is not selfish or a luxury but a necessity for better dealing with your stress. If you are feeling stressed and irritable you will find it much harder to be the parent you want to be. Stress will make you irritable and more likely to shout at your children. Parental self-care includes scheduling and actually taking time out for yourself to do things you want to do or like doing. This includes seeing friends, going to the gym, doing yoga or pilates, listening to blogs or reading or listening to music you like. Go outside and take a walk in a green environment. Take your shoes off and grout yourself in nature. These little micro-breaks can help making you feeling calmer and more balanced.

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See if you can find time efficiencies or help that can reduce some of your stressors. Maybe you can seek out some time you spend watching TV or social media that you can spend with your children. Maybe your partner can take on some of the household work or child caring. Maybe you can find help from relatives, friends or professionals that can relief you of some tasks. It doesn’t have to be something big but things like your partner, a relative or some other parent friends picking up your child from school, play dates and sleepovers, your partner doing the shopping, laundry or cooking at certain times can give you breathing space during the week.

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Take small steps and implement each of these suggestions over time. Small steps make a big difference and are more realistic to achieve than then grand behaviour change attempts. If you feel you are not getting anywhere with the suggested actions and feel that you are getting closer to parental burnout seek professional help. Do not be surprised if your therapist will make similar suggestions. Don’t let yourself slide into parental burnout and take some positive action now to better manage your parental stress. That will be the best way to be the parent you want to be,

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